Monday, October 20, 2008

My Giant New Penis

So, I’m sitting beside the tub, flipping through the New Yorker and supervising my three-year-old son’s nighttime bath. My son, a.k.a. “the boy,” is lying on his tummy blowing bubbles into the bubbly bath water and talking to himself. A normal evening so far.

Then he stands up with the biggest boner ever and says, “Mommy, can you fix my giant, new penis?” I’ve never seen a little boy boner before, and hope to be spared ever seeing it again, frankly. It’s not a thing I want to think about. Ever. He pushed at it, trying to flatten it out, looking at me for help.

The magazine flipped up to cover my face while I tried not to laugh. “That’s normal, Honey. It’ll go away in a while. Just ignore it.” What do I know about erections? I’ve never had one. Can you ignore it? It was obviously irritating him (not for long, my dear, I know that much).

So he goes back to playing with the bubbles and I try to get back into my article. Then I notice he’s sitting up and squeezing his little woody with both hands. “Don’t hurt your penis, Honey,” I say, hoping I’m not endangering his relationship with his pointy little pecker by saying “don’t.”

He looks up with a frown. “I’m squeezing the water out of it!” Oh. Hmm. “I don’t think you need to do that, Sweetie. It’ll go away eventually.” He looks at it disgustedly and shifts his bum.

“Can we go to the doctor? He’ll fix it and I’ll get a red lollipop!” Oh, Hell, no.

“No, Honey. We don’t need to go to the doctor. Just lie on your back and it’ll go away.” Please go away! Go away and let me read this article about Obama becoming President and not think about my little boy becoming a penis-wielding teenager. Not yet! Give me a few more years of little boy stuff. Cars and trucks and airplanes, oh, my! Go away big penis! Go away!

It went away. But it’ll be back. Hopefully, Daddy will be on bath duty next time and can talk about it a little more with him. Not that I’m shy about body parts around the kids, ‘cuz I’m not. Getting dressed is a family activity in our house.

But these kind of questions: What is it supposed to feel like? How long will it last? Should I be scared? What is normal? Well, I’m leaving them up to Daddy, who can speak from direct, personal experience. ‘nuff said.

7 comments:

A Modern said...

THIS IS HILARIOUS!

I have three girls, so never had the pleasure (horror!)

ASH said...

Ha...so funny! I had no idea boys experienced this quite so early. But obviously, like you, I can't speak from experience. Hilarious!

Chaosmstress said...

**snicker....snicker***

I can relate. ain't biology neat?

Heather said...

Laugh out loud funny!! Please keep writing these charming tales.

underthebigbluesky said...

trying to make me pee my pants this morning huh?

thank goodness i have girls, thank goodness.

Julie@Cool Mom Guide said...

Oh, I'm right there with you! My son is alarmingly well endowed. I was shocked the day he was born and continue to be to this day. A while back he got a giant rod and said, "look mommy, it's big!" and I tried to be casual and just smiled and nodded. A little while later I hear him say, "awww...it's little again". Too stinkin funny.

Alyson, the 3 P's Mama said...

Oh and thankful I am that I shall not have to deal with such things. I' think you handled the situation quite well Mom! lol